OFFICIAL GOVERNMENT RELEASE
In this edition of NIAAA Spectrum, NIH scientist and Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD explains the widely disparaged and misunderstood blackout phenomenon.
Blackouts are when you do something stupid while drunk and then claim not to remember it. There are 4 types of blackouts: red, green, black and salmon. Red blackouts are when you get into a fight and have absolutely no memory of it until the next time you get drunk, at which time you re-enact the full blow-by-blow and show off the scabs. Green blackouts are when you have sex with a guy while blackout drunk and have absolutely no recollection of it until the next time you have sex with him and then remember why you gave him a fake number the first time. Black blackouts are very rare. That’s when you send a bumptious Cease and Desist letter to a person you have a crush on and don’t remember it until everyone is making fun of you and then claim it was actually ‘satire’. Our own lawyer here at NIH Dale Berkly experienced that a few months ago. However he has made amends for it. Salmon blackouts are when you get blackout drunk and enjoy a delicious salmon fillet, about which you have no memory until someone reminds you how much you enjoyed it, and you respond “It was tuna not salmon” and they say, “It was salmon you idiot you were drunk!” People who were introduced to alcohol at a young age by their parents are at increased risk of salmon blackouts.
Now you might be wondering how you can know that you had a blackout if you can’t remember it. That’s a tricky question. But say that every time you see this guy coming you immediately cross to the other side of the quad. If you find yourself doing this then you quite possibly had green blackout sex with him. About 1 in 4 college students report ‘greenouts’ on a regular basis, and 1 in 12 is a sexual assault often involving roofies. We are outfitting college students with specially designed body-cams to analyze it more scientifically.
If you believe you were a victim of a greenout roofie attack you should stand in the middle of the quad and point at the perpetrator and yell “rapist with AIDS” repeatedly as loud as you can and spit at anyone who tries to distract you.
Blackouts work by shutting down circuits in the hippocampus that form memories. This is the ‘disk drive’ in your brain. So if your disk drive isn’t working then obviously you can’t form new memories. It’s like when you spill your jack-n-coke on your computer and it seeps into your disk drive and you lose all your favorite jack-break links. That’s actually how I got the idea in the first place. So I talked to Nora and we decided to test the theory in rats. Well I stuck some probes in their brains and results were conclusive: the hippocampus is the ‘disk drive’ of the brain! My ‘crazy theory’ was completely vindicated!
We believe that by spreading the theory of blackouts to young people we can convince them that they don’t have to feel responsible for embarrassing behavior, which is important for healthy self-esteem. We encourage parents to teach their children that blackouts are a common consequence of drinking. Also blackouts are an essential ingredient in any good AA story, even though we don’t tout AA more highly than other treatments for the dreaded disease known as alcoholism, which makes the victim drink and get drunk and do stupid shit of which they often have absolutely no memory until they are reminded of it or get drunk again — fragile memories which they can lose again under stress, such as during questioning by law enforcement. The disease is cunning and baffling and can really sneak up on you when you’re not looking, especially if you have a history of lying and sociopathy and AA attendance or if you’re a lawyer. The disease can cause the full NIAAA Spectrum of blackouts to occur on a regular basis as well as reports of close brushes with imminent death. We encourage AA nazis to link to this article as scientific ‘proof’ of addiction.
Having a blackout doesn’t mean you need treatment, but reports of it can be used to alarm your friends and loved ones into thinking that you might have a ‘problem’. Then when you go to AA, you can claim that you don’t want to be there but your friend made you go. Chicks love that.
Ultimately our goal is to undermine the outdated religious doctrine of free will, and make people think that they are puppets of forces beyond their control. Once we have firmly established the concept of ‘addiction’ in the public’s mind, we will introduce a fake virus that supposedly makes everyone susceptible to it, followed by a powerful narcotic that will put everyone in a trance. We will then complete the transition to a New World Order government and plunder the ‘lower’ societies with impunity, just like in the Hunger Games. This may seem crazy but it’s already working. We at NIAAA and NIDA can publish purely bogus research like this with impunity and no one even bothers to check it. No one even lifts a finger in protest. It’s brilliant! Please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you would like to apply for a position as an elite. Please include name, age, location and clear face pic. Hurry spots are limited and going fast!
In summary, anything you can do while drunk and not blacked out you can do while blacked out — you just won’t remember it the next day. Nor could anyone even tell that you are in a blackout. For example, I have no recollection of writing this article. But it’s not bad, right?
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