So you want to attend AA but not sure if you’re really an alcoholic? That’s ok. You don’t have to know for sure. All you have to do is lie. That’s what everyone else does. Confess your powerlessness. Say that you want to stop drinking but can’t. No matter how hard you tried. Who knows what that even means? Maybe it’s really true. Embrace your alcoholism. Wear it like a badge. Re-evaluate your entire life in this new context.
And if you’re still not sure, just lie. Lie like a rug. Lie like a Louisiana hooker. Think of a stupid thing you did and then blame it on alcohol. It’s easy: I <insert sin here> because I drank <insert alcoholic beverage here>. For example, “I lost my job because of rum.” “I yelled at my wife because of fuzzy navel.” Don’t worry the stupider it sounds the more everyone will believe it. And the best part is, you can always resume ‘denial’ as soon as you step out the door. Remember, AA is a drinking club. Go to the bar and have a drink. In a weird way, it actually proves your lie — just be sure to call it a ‘relapse’ and remember it’s a normal part of ‘recovery’. Congratulations on your shiny new disease!
If you do this, if you perpetrate this simple lie, I promise you, the scales will fall from your eyes. A new world will open up in front of you. You will witness and discover amazing things.
So go ahead, lie like the wind! And have fun! Just remember, don’t mix alcohol and drugs!
Then come back and report your findings in the comments below.
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- The Drinking Club – Watch what they do, not what they say
- I Call Blackout – I did what??
- Rat Addicts and the Science Of Addiction – The best of 60’s Science Fiction
- A Conversation with Dr. Drew Pinsky – 13% and proud
- School for Scoundrels – What you actually learn in the rooms