An armed guard sits on a stool by the doorway of every shopfront on the streets of Jerusalem. Their job is to prevent a terrorist from entering the establishment and killing customers and shopkeepers alike, in the name of the god or radical cleric to which they have sworn allegiance. Private security is big business in Israel, comprising approximately 20% of the entire economy. The premier agency of the industry is G4S. They are a multi-billion dollar international conglomerate based in Israel. They have set their sights on the US market.
Omar Mateen is an angry and rebellious kid, taught by his father to reject social norms and pick fights with everyone – the 14 year old is reported to have rejoiced on 9/11. His academic record reveals terrible grades and a long list of disciplinary infractions including punching and hitting himself and his classmates. He is expelled repeatedly. All attempts to correct his behavior are in vain. Sent to an ‘alternative school’, he obtains a diploma.
Despite his poor grades Omar Mateen is not an idiot. He gets a job as a security guard. He reveals early on in his career that he understands how the world works: you create a crisis and then exploit it. In the 2010 documentary The Big Fix he explains the economics of an oil spill:
“No one gives a shit. No one gives a shit here, everybody just gets out to get paid. They’re like hoping for more oil to come out and more people to complain so they will have jobs. Because once people get laid off here it’s going to suck for them. They want more disaster to happen because that’s where their money making is.” The documentary-maker then asked, “It’s all about the money right?” to which Mateen responded: “All about the money, exactly.”
His cynical outlook contributes to his character: he builds a reputation as a racist and a misogynist, even if his religious convictions were not yet fully formed. He is reported to the FBI for threats of violence connected to Islamism. They investigate him and even try to get him to participate in a terrorist plot, standard operating procedure for the agency that is known to create more terrorists than it ever discovers. Their modus operandi is to find vulnerable people and entice them either to report conspiracies or commit crimes. In Minnesota a Somali girl uncovered a huge sex trafficking ring in which 16 men were convicted. Later the entire case was thrown out – the judge concluded she was manipulated by the FBI and bullied into mental illness and false confessions.
The FBI is also behind the Think Again Turn Away campaign, which glamorizes torture and sexual slavery for rebellious kids, and the CIA runs “Don’t be a Puppet”, nicely satirized by SNL.
The wily young man didn’t fall for the trap, and they eventually removed him from their list. Yet the experience seemed only to exacerbate the extremist attitudes and tendencies of a man whose job was to protect people from such things. During this time he was married twice and had a child. Burdened by the unwanted responsibilities and torn by same-sex longings, he grasped the ideology of radical Islam, even as he chafed at the strictures of his father’s religion. This was not how life was supposed to turn out. Like his brother in San Bernardino, he embraced the creed of his ancestors to spectacularly reject it – simultaneously vindicating and execrating both his profession and his god.
Omar Mateen was hired by G4S in 2007. Despite many complaints about his behavior he was not terminated – he was rewarded with open carry gun permits. He bought an AK-47 and the rest is history.
Don’t let a good crisis go to waste
Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu was quick to exploit the ensuing tragedy:
Radical Islamist terror makes no distinction between shades of infidel. This week it was gays in Orlando. A few days before that it was Jews in Tel Aviv. Before that it was music fans in Paris; Travelers in Brussels; Yazidis in Iraq; Community workers in San Bernardino; Christians and journalists in Syria. All of us are targets. We believe that all people are created in the image of God.
Omar Mateen was the perfect patsy for the private security industry and the FBI to usher in a new security state in the US, complete with armed guards outside every shop and nightclub. They simply followed the playbook perfected by Israelis: incite the opposition to violence and then slam them with 10 times the force. Then, exploit the ensuing crisis to legitimize a vast mafioso protection racket.
Having run out of real crimes to prosecute, the FBI is forced to incite intellectually and emotionally challenged kids to join ISIS. The unlucky ones will be assigned to review every one of Hillary’s emails for evidence of misconduct – hundreds have had nothing better to do for almost 2 years now. Of course, they will find nothing, other than their own emails to her that proved they knew about the server all along (and which are now marked ‘super sensitive-do not release!’).
In the 80’s, ACT UP lobbied for funding for HIV awareness and treatment. The FBI attempted to infiltrate the group many times, but the agents were easily identified. They would suggest a violent response, which drew immediate guffaws from the group. They were roundly mocked and quickly ejected. Like Jesus himself, gays are forgiving, peace loving and tolerant. They are inclusive and oppose the barbarity of dropping bombs on Arab lands to ‘stop’ violence. Experts in ‘turning the other cheek’, they are the FBI and ISIS’s worst nightmare.
10 thoughts on “The Patsy”
Okay so I’m 24 now.. but this whole story all started back when I was 16 and living in New Hampshire. I got in trouble for selling weed at my school.. not a big deal since my high school was like druggie central.. full of like mega stoners and much harder stuff then weed.. but I mean.. I was stupid and I got caught selling on school ground so it was my fault.
I got suspended for 10 days like is the normal crime but because I had gotten in trouble before, they made me join some stupid rehabilitation program after school hours once a week. It was pretty stupid but a few of my friends were in it, so I dealt with it. If I had skipped the sessions it would have just caused more shit and it wasn’t worth the trouble so I’d just go every wednesday and smoke a bowl after with a few of my friends from the group.
Anyways.. about halfway through my time in the rehab sessions they gave me the option of doing a once a week mentor volunteer shit with a group of like mentally challenged kids and kids with crazy diseases and stuff. My best friends little brother was like full-blown mentally challenged and was in the group, and he had been volunteering with them for years so I thought it might be actually kinda smart to quit these stupid sessions and instead do a once a week thing with my pal and his little brother.
So I started in with this group of sick and retarded kids and stuff and it was pretty easy and the kids all had good hearts and stuff so it was fun. But after the first week they assigned me to a little girl.. a total lost cause. I was really hoping they’d stick me in the same group as my friend and his brother but instead I was supposed to buddy up with this girl who’s last mentor had gone to juvy for some stupid shit (go figure). Anyways this girl was totally sad, she was like 11 years old.. totally sick.. She had this elephant-man like disease, I don’t know what it was but her nose smushed over like half her face and she her cheek bones pushed all up over her left eye so you could barely see it. Her face basically looked like it was made from jello and had been hit with a baseball bat and all smushed up on the left side.
Apparently because of her dissability she was blind in one eye and also deaf on her left side. She was super hard to understand when she spoke.. like most deaf people.. mostly because her mouth was all fucked up like the rest of her face. But she had a good heart. She was only 11 but she joked about her disease and was actually pretty cool about it, not totally depressing and awkward like some of the other kids.
So anyways I got to know this girl pretty well.. we didn’t do much, just played chess and checkers and stuff. It was only like 2 hours a week for 2 months so after it was over I didn’t have any intention of ever seeing her again. But like I said, she was sweet… never set out to hurt anyone or anything.
So anyways… 5 years later… Just after my 21st birthday.. I’m on summer vacation, just finished my 3rd year at UNH, and I’m home and everything. So one night I go out with a couple friends from high school who were all 21 and had all been gone away at different colleges. We all went out to drinking to catch up and stuff.. we had done this like every summer since school started. It was nice to see high school friends, you know the deal if you’ve been to college.
Anyways, one of the kids there was my friend with the challenged brother, my best friend from high school. He was going to school in Vermont on some scholarship and I barely ever talked to him anymore but I asked him how his brother was. Apparently he was in some cutesy faux-relationship with Daisy… the girl who I had mentored for the two months. I thought it was cute.. I mean they were both ugly and retarded so its not like the relationship meant anything.. but it was cute in the way that its cute when 2 little 3 year olds are dating cause of their parents or whatever.
But apparently my friend had been talking to this girl and she was like.. in love with me. She was only 11 when we met so it was one of those little girl crushes but apparently she would go on and on about how fun I was and now nice I was and how funny I was. Apparently those 2 months really stuck with her. Anyways.. we were all really drunk so my moron friends were like “dude.. you should totally go fuck the retard.”
This was not a good idea.
Normally I would have laughed it off, but I was pretty drunk and I was a pretty dumb kid back then (remember just a few years earlier I was dealing pot in high school). So I asked them how much they’d pay me if I got head from the girl with the deformed face. Of the 5 guys there, 3 said they’d pay me, and each offered to throw in 20 bucks. Not a lot of money, but the novelty of the story would be the best prize.
I don’t know why I didn’t instantly shrug off the idea, because at this point she was like 16 or 17 years old.. and I was 21. Not to mention she was half blind, half deaf, half mute, and basically an elephant man. But I thought it would be like “epic” or something. So I just wanted to dip my feet in the water and see if I could even talk to this girl after all these years.
So I got my friend to take me along on a “playdate” or whatever they called it with his retarded brother and Daisy. Instantly she recognized me as soon as the three of us showed up at her house to pick her up. She didn’t give me a hug or anything and was still super awkward and shy.. but her speech had improved and she had a decent set of tits and had definitely grown a lot taller. I spent most of the car ride sitting next to her in the back of my friends car and asking her about school and small talk and stuff. I made up some phony bullshit story about my girlfriend dumping me and not being able to trust women and she obviously fell for it.. she was 16 and retarded.. I didn’t really have to try with her.
So we finally get to the park where the two kids were supposed to hang out, but she just wanted to sit on the bench and talk to me.. she completely ignored my friends little brother. My friend was getting kind of pissed, cause he had been there at the bar when I was joking about trying to get head from her. But I just kept waving him off, so he went and took his little brother to go play somewhere else in the park and left me and Daisy alone.
While we were sitting on the bench I kept up with my stupid girlfriend story and was basically just trying to get this 16 year old girl to have some sort of pity (as fake as it was) for me. Looking back it was completely slimy and disgusting.. but I mean.. thats kind of the point of the story. So eventually after a while I brought up what my friend had said about her always talking about me and maybe “having a crush on me” and she got super embarassed and said we should probably go hang out with Jim and Rick (the two brothers). I told her I was sorry about bringing it up and was just kidding and I took her over to play with them.
After that we all went and got Ice Cream and Pizza and shit and it was super boring cause I figured the whole joke was lost anyways and this girl was too embarrassed to even talk to me or whatever. But as we were dropping her off after the restaurant she put her cell phone number in my phone and told me to text her (not call her cause I couldn’t understand her over the phone) if I ever wanted to vent about my ex-girlfriend.
As soon as I got home I texted her, basically rolling on the floor laughing as I was doing it, that “hanging out with her today really took some of the hurt away from my failed relationship”. Once again like to remind you guys.. shes 16.. im 21.. and shes basically retarded. She texted back like immediately and was like “oh im so glad.. maybe we can hang out again soon.” I texted back “you name the date.” And her response was “tomorrow”.
At this point I was starting to regret my decision because she actually seemed legitimately interested and I realized that she actually might have a crush on me and this might seriously go somewhere. The whole time I had been playing like a joke, not actually expecting anything to happen. But I figured that if I actually went through with it then I would be moving back to college soon anyways and wouldn’t see her or anyone else from my old high school ever again and plus I’d have the most epic story to tell all of my friends and shit.. so I decided to make a meeting time to see this girl and I told her I’d pick her up for a movie the next night.
So next day rolls around and I’m actually getting really excited.. I hadn’t really pursued anyone for a while and it can be super fun trying to get laid on a first date. This was obviously a different situation but it was much easier and much more difficult in many ways then going after a normal girl. I picked her up, brought her to the theater, bought her ticket, bought her all the food she wanted, and took her into the theater.
Now my local theater in NH has those liftable armrests, I dont know if every theater has those or not, but they are basically for fat people or couples who wanna get super close during movies. Its an easy way to try and make a move on a girl by seeing her reaction to lifting the armrest separator between your two seats. Partway through the movie (after some fake groans and shoulder readjustments on my part during the first 20 or so minutes), I asked Daisy if she’d mind if I lifted up the armrest, as it was bothering me. She didn’t, so I did.. and she moved in closer to me. I seriously started to get hard at that point, not cause she was even remotely attractive, just cause I was so excited and knew I was in for an epic night. I didn’t hesitate for a second and put my arm around her and she looked up at me and smiled and laid her head on my chest. I literally looked up at the roof and closed my eyes and just mouthed “oh hell yes”. I was so fucking excited.
So here is where the shit gets intense (all you guys who thought this story was lame.. this is the good stuff.. I swear). Now this girl is laying there with her head on my chest, my arm around her, watching the movie, and she makes the next move.. I swear to god. She puts her hand right on my thigh, pretty high up too, like right near my cock. Now those following closely would remember that I had got excited before, and was sporting a nice hard on (not ridiculously stiff, but like maybe 70%), and she put her hand right dead on it. I like jumped for a second and then just tried to play it off as if I didn’t even notice and kept watching the movie. She just started rubbing it back and forth tenderly.. as if it was like my shoulder or something. I literally couldn’t even believe it. This girl was 16 and dating a retarded kid, I had reason to believe she had 0 sexual experience before.. but maybe I was wrong.. I still don’t know to this day. Anyways.. shes just sitting there like stroking my cock through my pants and resting her head on my chest, not saying a word.. still watching the movie. As if nothing is going on.
So after like 2 minutes of this im like rock solid hard. Like 110%. She’s basically jerking me off at this point.. and I know she knows it too because my cock is like bursting through my pants. I have no idea what to do now because shes basically just rubbing my crotch for the whole movie. I didn’t know whether to make a move, ask her to stop.. or whatever. But luckily she once again, made the next movie. She (not even looking mind you, eyes (or should I say eye) still on the movie) starts unbuttoning my pants and just takes out my dick. Luckily we were in a pretty empty theater, and as any guy whos ever gotten any in a theater knows.. as long as theres no one behind you a theater is a pretty discrete place to get lucky. But now my dick is fully out in the air.. and shes just got her hand balled around it like a fucking golf club..
Id like to take a second and prove I’m not copypastaing or just making shit up or whatever and address you guys and say I know 90% of you think this is bullshit and that its “terrible writing op” and that I say “So anyways” too much.. but for all the time you guys spend on /b/ you should know the difference between fake shit and real shit and you should know that fucked up shit like this really does happen. The fact that this girl was fugly as all sin is just even more of an indicator that shes the type of person who would whip out a guy’s dick in a movie theater five years her senior. So back to the story..
So anyways (fuck you jerks), I’m sitting there watching a movie with a half blind, half deaf, half retarded smushed face girl holding my dick out in plain sight. Then… after just holding it for a few seconds, she finally takes her concertration of the movie and just basically attacks my dick with her mouth. She opens as wide as she can (which isn’t very wide mind you) and just swallows my fucking cock. Now I’m not huge or even really big or anything.. but I’m not like a little pricked asshole like most of you /b/tards.. Im a good over 9000 inches, but this girl basically swalloed my dick whole. She had almost the entire thing in her mouth, as if shes been doing this for years (or maybe she just has no gag reflex or whatever.. I have no clue). But she just goes to town and starts running a train on my junk.
Now for all of you people who have never had a blowjob.. its hard to describe how they feel. The lips usually are super soft and the mouth is wet and it assuming they do it properly it just feels incredible. I usually cum pretty quick from a good blowjob just cause it feels so good.. but this was like no blowjob I’ve ever recieved. If you remember correctly half of this girls mouth was effectively scar tissue, so while half of my dick was being blown my soft wet lips, the other half was against this hard dry skin.. literally the weirdest most awkward thing Ive ever felt in my life. It didn’t hurt but it basically robbed any pleasure out of the equation, especially since the side of her face that was showing was her fucked up side. It looked like harvey dent and the elephant man’s love child was giving me head and it felt so god damn weird.
So since I know I’m not gonna be able to cum just from this ugly 16 year old girl sucking my dick I start to like close my eyes and try to picture some fantasies and shit like that hoping that just the motion from her disgusting face will make me cum and just end this whole thing so I could take her home, never talk to her again, and get 60 bucks from my friends. So I’m sitting there picture hot moms and teachers and stuff that I had scene in various web porn and shit when all of a sudden she starts choking. Now remember.. this girl is half deaf, so she does not know when she is being loud.. but she was being FUCKING LOUD. She starts gagging and choking and making the most horrible noises ever. I push her off my cock, but not before the people sitting two rows in front of me stand up and turn around and see me. I shove my dick back in my pants as they just stare at me.. completely appalled, and my 16 year old freak date is like coughing up spit and mucus and shit into her hand.
I was so embarassed at this point and actually kinda freaked out (I didn’t know the legality of this, but was pretty sure that being caught with a 16 year old retard going down on you in public wasn’t a good idea). So I grabbed her hand (she was still gagging and shit), and ran her down the stairs towards the lobby. Of course… creepy couple from 2 rows ahead of me starts following.
As I’m darting through the lobby, holding this girls hand.. the guy from the couple in front of me grabs my shoulder and turns me around. He tells me that hes a teacher at the school and knows Daisy and wants to know how old I am and why I was with her at the movie theater. I told him I was 18 and Daisy’s boyfriend.. of course he didn’t believe a word of it and demanded I stay while he went and grabbed theater management.
Daisy just looked and me and kept saying she was sorry and that she didn’t want me to get in trouble and that she’d lie for me and stuff. The theater management came over and asked us to go sit in the office for a bit while they talked to the couple from a few rows ahead of us. Of course… this is when things get fucked up again.
As we are sitting alone in the office, Daisy runs up, slams the door.. locks it, and runs over in front of me and starts taking off her shit. Now remember before I said she had developed some decent tits… they were NOT DECENT at all once she had taken off her shit. She had the most fucking ugly nipples I had ever seen (to coincide with her horrible face) and her tits were basically purple with veins and marks and shit… Almost puke inducing.. like that bad. But of course we are sitting in a random movie theater’s office… with the door locked.. and this retarded underage girl is stripping in front of me. This was NOT a good situation for me.
I grabbed her shirt off the floor and told her to stop and that the crew was coming back and that wed get into major trouble but she just kept pushing the shirt away and saying “nooo.. noo… I love you.. I love you.” At this point I wanted to like kill myself for ever having thought this would be funny or whatever.. because no matter how this ended.. I was completely and totally fucked.
So I’m trying to get her to cover up her horrendous decayed jack-o-lantern tits when theres a knock on the door and the theater guy is like “open up.. open up or we will call the police.”
Of course I can’t open up with retard girl half naked so I started shouting for him to hold on. At first I figured they would use a key to open the door or whatever but I later found out he had left the keys inside of the office and the other supervisor/manager was on break at the time.. along with the other set of keys. So the theater guy was banging away at the door.. Daisy had managed to her her pants off along with the shirt, so she was wearing nothing but a gross pair of white underwear, boots and socks, and I was standing there basically shitting my pants.
So bascially my plan that I had formed at the moment (maybe not the best, but I was really strapped for time and couldn’t think of anything) was to convince Daisy that I would take her home and have sex with her (I know.. disgusting), if she agreed to get on all her clothes and leave the theater with me. Finally I convinced her and, in tears, she started gathering up her clothes. By this time the theater guy had stopped knocking and I was starting to fear that he had actually called the police.
As soon as Daisy was dressed, I grabbed her hand.. told her a quick fib about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I was from Vermont visiting an old family friend and that my name was (some fake shit I had made up, I don’t even remember). She was crying but agreed and so I opened the door to greet the theater manager (and in all likelihood a police officer) when I saw another friend from highschool waiting at the door. He whispered to me that his manager was calling the cops and that I should bolt and he wouldn’t rat on me. I grabbed my shit and ran to the car out of the managment’s emergency exit door, before the manager or anyone else could see me.
Of course.. shit just got worse as soon as I got to my car. Apparently even though I thought shit would finally be okay once I got out of the theater.. Daisy had decided she couldn’t wait until we got home, and that she would run back inside and tell on me unless I had sex with her right there in the car.
So there we are in the car, with this girl trying to get me to fuck her right there.. and I’m trying to bargain and reason with her because I cant drive off, as shes got the door wide open, ready to bolt and basically get me arrested. I ask her if she’ll settle for me kissing her now and all this shit, or if shell let me drive to her another spot.. and shes not going for any of it. Finally I tell her that Ill get in the back seat and make out with her if she lets me drive to the back of the theater (where theres nothing but like a dumpster and some recycle bins). She agrees and I do so.. At this point I’m willing to do anything to just shut this bitch up and get out of this situation. I put up my all my windows (luckily they are tinted), and go sit with her in the back seat. My plan was just to make out with her for a couple minutes, maybe go to second base and shit.. and then drive her home and put an end to this.
However, my plan didn’t really come into frutition as this girl was HELL BENT on having sex with me. First she tore off her shirt again, just like she had in the theater office.. and then got bother her pants and her panties off.
By the way.. side note.. this girl had a horrible face, fucked up senses.. disgusting tits.. but her pussy was actually normal. I would never have expected it, but it actually wasnt all fucked up and distorted like the rest of her body.. Just an interesting fact I thought I’d let you guys know.
So at this point I’m willing to go as far as I have to go to get out of this situation. I’m actually scared that I could go to jail or get arrested or whatever for all sorts of shit so I just want to please this girl, shut her up, and get her home.
So I start making out with her like normal.. and she is like super super aggressive. By the way.. making out with her and her disgusting frog face is even worse than the blowjob was. Its like kissing a girl if half her face was a fucking redwood tree. Half hard-bark, half soft skin.
So anyways, I’m making out with this girl and before I even touch her pussy she starts like moaning like shes having a full blown orgasm. Shes like “ohhhh this” and “oh yeahhh that” and its starting to freak me out cause I’m thinking this girl might actually be completely gone in the head. At this point I realize I’m not gonna get away from this unless I get myself in her pussy somehow, but I didn’t have any condoms or anything, not that I even wanted to put my dick in her, but it was just more reason not to. So I start sticking my finger in her and doing my thing.
This was like the only solace that I had from the entire event.. the fact that this girls VAGINA actually felt and looked like a VAGINA, and that she actually responded as most girls do when being fingered. She kept on moaning and shit and I was pretty sure that if I kept it up I could make her cum and get her home without any more fuss. Now my normal routine when fingering a girl is to go from making out to her, to feeling her up, to sucking on her tits and stuff.. kinda keep her excited. But devotees will remember she had tits like shrunken heads.. so I basically was forced to make out with her troll face the entire time.. not fun for me.
So there I am, fingering this gross retarded 16 year old girl in the back of a movie theater parking lot trying to get her to come so I can take her home, ditch her, and never speak to her again to avoid arrest or worse… when she finally orgasms.
This would be the happiest moment of my life. As shes sitting there, she grabs onto my shoulders, tightens her grip like a fucking cougar, and just cums all over my hand. I’ve never had a girl cum as much as this 16 year old did.. and I probably never will. But there she was.. cumming and moaning in that godawful voice of hers.. and all I could think about was that it was finally over. That was until she looked at me, and I finally saw what was behind her disfigured face. In all my years in New Hampshire, I had never seen a bear this big before. Her eyes locked with mine.. fangs bared, she attacked me. The biggest brown bear I could ever imagine.. as if it was lusting for a giant pot of honey, ripping my face to shreds. Fur went flying in every direction, my hand covered in come was useless to defend with. Daisy-bear started tearing up the seats in my car, I had no choice but to exit the car and look for shelter. Of course it was futile. She dragged me out into the woods behind the theater and had her way with me. To this day I am confined to a wheelchair because of the beating that Daisy inflicted on me.
The Rebel alliance is made up of self-loathing Jedi who blame the Empire for every ill in the galaxy, and politicians suffering from power-envy, bitter that the galaxy’s only power can do what it likes without having to ask permission. The truth is that the Empire has behaved with enormous restraint since the Battle of Yavin. Remember, remember.
Remember the gut-wrenching holos of weeping stormtroopers phoning their partners to say, “I love you,” before the station was destroyed. Remember those people leaping to their deaths from safety-pod hatches with no safety pods installed.
Remember the hundreds of droids buried alive.
Remember the smiling face of that beautiful girl who was in one of the detention cells. Remember, remember – and realise that the Empire has never retaliated for the destruction of the Death Star in anything like the way it could have.
So a few Rebels got locked without a trial in cellblock 1138? Pass the Kleenex.
So some Gungan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their blasters in a sky full of Empire shuttles? A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti.
Remember, remember, the Death Star. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against the Empire.
No, do more than remember. Never forget!
The anti-American alliance is made up of self-loathing liberals who blame the Americans for every ill in the Third World, and conservatives suffering from power-envy, bitter that the world’s only superpower can do what it likes without having to ask permission. The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since September 11. Remember, remember. Remember the gut-wrenching tapes of weeping men phoning their wives to say, “I love you,” before they were burned alive. Remember those people leaping to their deaths from the top of burning skyscrapers. Remember the hundreds of firemen buried alive. Remember the smiling face of that beautiful little girl who was on one of the planes with her mother. Remember, remember – and realise that America has never retaliated for 9/11 in anything like the way it could have. So a few al-Qaeda tourists got locked without a trial in Camp X-ray? Pass the Kleenex. So some Afghan wedding receptions were shot up after they merrily fired their semi-automatics in a sky full of American planes? A shame, but maybe next time they should stick to confetti. I love America, yet America is hated. America is hated because it is what every country wants to be – rich, free, strong, open, optimistic. Or do you really think the USA is the root of all evil? Tell it to the loved ones of the men and women who leaped to their death from the burning towers. Tell it to the nursing mothers whose husbands died on one of the hijacked planes, or were ripped apart in a collapsing skyscraper. And tell it to the hundreds of young widows whose husbands worked for the New York Fire Department. To our shame, George Bush gets a worse press than Saddam Hussein. Remember, remember, September 11. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against America! No, do more than remember. Never forget.
HI, I’M GEORGE ZIMMER, FOUNDER AND CEO OF THE MEN’S WEARHOUSE. 9/11 WAS A LIE. THERE WERE NO TOWEL HEADS. THERE WAS NO AIRPLANE. IN TRUTH I WAS VISITING THE BIG APPLE, SO AS TO COMPARE MY GARGANTUAN MEAT TRAIN TO IT AND LAUGH AT THE GASPING NEW YORKERS AS I POUNDED THEIR BELOVED NAMESAKE INTO BIG APPLE SAUCE. HAVING NOT GOTTEN RELEASE FROM MY CULINARY EXERCISE, I MEANDERED DOWN THE STREET WITH MY VITAL BLOOD ENGORGED SEWER PIPE OUT IN FRONT OF ME LIKE A BLIND MAN’S CANE, LOOKING FOR A HOLE IN THE BACKSIDE OF A WOMAN WHICH I WOULD STRETCH BEYOND HUMAN LIMITS. I SPOTTED AT THAT VERY MOMENT AN ATTRACTIVE FEMALE IN A MINISKIRT WAVING AT ME. I SLAPPED HER TO THE GROUND WITH MY ENORMOUS PHALLUS AND QUICKLY RAVISHED HER SKIRT LIKE A STARVED DOG ON A BABY MADE OF STEAK. THE SIGHT THAT AWAITED BOTH SHOCKED AND ENRAGED ME. AFTER SEEING THIS “WOMAN’S” RAISIN-SIZED WINKY WINKLER, I VOMITED DOWN HIS THROAT AND PENETRATED HIS ESOPHAGUS, RIPPED OUT HIS SPINE AND PEELED HIS CORPSE FROM MY MONEYMAKER. TO TEACH ALL OF NEW YORK A LESSON FOR LETTING THIS FLAMING FAG BAG LIVE, I LET LOOSE A SEMENAL FLOOD OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS UPON THE TOWERS OF TWO (AT WHOM’S SMALL SIZE I LAUGHED LIKE A CLOWN RAPING AN 8 YEAR OLD), WHICH CAUSED THEM TO COME CRASHING DOWN LIKE ME AFTER A WEEKEND METH BINGE. I MOCKED THE NEW YORKERS AND MADE NIGGER JOKES AS THEY RAN FROM MY EVER EXPANDING CLOUD OF SPERMAZOA, MASTURBATING TO THE LOOKS OF HORROR ON THEIR FACES. THE GOVERNMENT, IN AN ATTEMPT TO SAVE FACE AND BECAUSE THEY HATE ARABS MORE THAN JEWS, PAINTED A BOEING 767 ON MY GIGANTIC COCK AND CALLED IT A TERRORIST ATTACK. THE FEELING OF PAINTBRUSHES ON MY DICK MADE ME COME AGAIN, AND PRESIDENT BUSH SNORTED UP EVERY LAST DROP BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS COKE. I GUARANTEE IT.
It’s not the Fleshlight’s fault, really. Just the fact that trying to use the one I ordered for my 34th birthday has rammed home the basic fact that I am a loser and that I am never going to get laid in my life.
I am apparently both too small and too big to use the Fleshlight. Small in the PENIS and big in the grossly overweight stomach. The result is that I apparently can’t get very deep into the thing and experience the ribbing and other textures.
I ordered four inserts at once, three supertights with the three sorts of textures — wave, ribbed, bumped — and one ultratight. With all of them I have been having an incredible struggle to find a comfortable position to get in with my enormous stomach to allow for using the thing long enough to get off. I apparently developed a way to masturbate by hand that deluded myself into thinking I was normal. I am obviously not. I can only seem to go about an inch and a half into this Fleshlight before my fat gets in the way and the smallness of my PENIS defeat the purpose. The incredible depression of the experience makes it hard for me to stay erect as the whole time I am thinking about what a deformed, out-of-shape loser I am, so I end up only half hard or less.
Today is my 34th birthday. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, due to being a shy fatass with an ugly skin condition that I was afraid of having anyone see by taking my clothes off. I am so incredibly fucking lonely and depressed. I just want to be able to hug a woman, to hold her in my arms. Sex is frankly secondary to me, which is lucky given that I haven’t had any except with my own hand.
I bought this thing thinking I would treat myself and make myself happier, but it has just driven home how fucked I am. I guess my only hope at this point is to find a woman who doesn’t mind me only using oral sex on her because my PENIS obviously doesn’t work very well.
220.127.116.11 – Clifton, New Jersey
Man, that’s a BEAUTIFUL cock — and a nice set of hairy, balls making hot loads of HIV semen! I’d love to have you impregnate a some of my CD4 cells. Then I’d have a strain of your descendants living in me always. Very Hot! Happy Fucking, Brother!
What the fuck did you just fucking say about G4S, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
18.104.22.168 US Manchester, New Hampshire
referrer – reason.com