AddictionMyth is pleased to announce the opening of his psychological counseling virtual office. For the competitive price of $100/hour you can receive the following evidence-based treatments and services:
- Diagnosis with the mental defect or disorder of your choice – please study up on the DSM so you can present with at least one or two of the appropriate symptoms. For example, if you would like paranoid schizo, you can say that you think the government is out to get you. Like, they send you threatening letters and emails telling you to ‘cease and desist’. If you would like a bipolar diagnosis, please take meth for a few days then drink for a few days and see if you can get someone to notice your mood swings and send you a text message asking what’s up (don’t worry I don’t need to see it – I trust you! Trust is the basis of a therapeutic relationship!).
- Depression – If you would like a depression diagnosis, I will gladly explain how the cause of your unhappiness is not that you feel trapped in your relationships or that your brother always seems to do better than you in everything. Instead, I will explain that these are lies that your brain tells you as cover for its secret plot to destroy you unawares.
- Anxiety – You will learn that your anxiety is a brain disorder caused by the improper interaction between your cerebellum and hypothalamus mediated by dopimine and seratonin. This is a common problem, don’t worry! We can fix it with a regimen of mindfulness training in which you learn to listen to the voices in your head. This works really great for kids, especially drug addicts. (Stanton Peele approved!)
- Addiction – This of course is my specialty. I will teach you that your mischief is not caused by natural urges but by a disease that makes you seek out drugs and alcohol and even steal them or at least the money for them to get high, or when you’re high, or when you’re coming down and feeling really crappy. Or even years later when you get with a sudden craving. Your wrong-way-up-the-exit-ramp and rob-a-drugstore antics are just symptoms of your disease. I will also recommend going to AA where you can suicide bully vulnerable people to kill themselves and then cry, “Constitutionally incapable of being honest!” and then cry, “People are dying and we must do something!” This will make people call for ‘early intervention and treatment’ as the presidential candidates pass through their towns which will of course create legislation that will bring me more business. (So ‘thank you’ in advance.)
- Spiritual services and awe – I will teach you how to appreciate the world’s natural wonders so you won’t want to kill yourself. You’d be amazed by the spiritual transformations that occur daily in my virtual office. Said one recent patient: “I tried everything and nothing worked! I was going to die before I found Dr AddictionMyth! Dr AddictionMyth saved my life! Dr AddictionMyth has saved the lives of millions!”
- Suicidal ideation – I will explain to you that you are a danger to yourself because your brain is secretly plotting to kill you. If you don’t do everything I say you will surely die. But if you do exactly what I say then you will experience the miracle! Don’t leave 5 minutes before the miracle!
- CBT – I will teach you how to tell yourself that everyone actually likes being with you because gosh darn it you are good enough and smart enough and if people don’t like it then that’s just your brain lying to you again! You just can’t trust that darn thing! Just tell it to STFU and repeat the mantras we practice in our sessions.
- Pharmaceuticals – I will recommend your choice of brain warping pharmaceuticals that have been proven to increase risk for suicide and homicide and shrink critical brain regions while patiently explaining that you are at great risk for self-destruction and all manner of physical ailments if you don’t take them. I will also explain that the weight gain and loss of libido is annoying but hey you want to live, right?
- Vivitroll – I will inject a monthly solution of vivitroll into the butt cheek of your choice in consultation with renowned addictions psychiatrist Dr Sean X Luo who has generously offered subsidized care for college students and high school kids. This drug will remove your cravings for opiates. (Note: If you are in a traffic accident or require surgery you will be in a world of hurt so we suggest you stay at home during the course of treatment. Also if you are ready to blow your brains out after 2 months of Vivitroll because of its anhedonic effects I will gladly make a referral to a local psychiatric hospital where Dr Luo has privileges.)
Don’t delay! Sign up for counseling services with Dr AddictionMyth today!
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Licensed through The California Department of Public Health