Pepperdine University today filed papers to “sue the ass off” AddictionMyth for “all he’s worth” for impersonating and plagiarizing Public Policy Assistant Professor Angela Hawken. Said Pepperdine President Andrew K. Benton, “That despicable troll committed the crimes of Impersonating a Revered University Official and then Plagiarizing Sacred Academic Texts when he copied her research wholesale and passed it off as her own. I mean, I believe in academic freedom. But crediting ideas to their rightful owner? That’s just outrageous!”
Said Marc P. Goodman, Pepperdine General Counsel: “I haven’t seen such a blatant forgery since The Protocols of the Elders of Zion. The work is an almost verbatim copy of her book. For example:
- AM: there is nothing mysterious about drug addiction. It’s just a bad habit, and like mother always told you, bad habits are hard to break.
- Page 5: Drug taking can develop into a bad habit– that is, a behavior pattern that is difficult to break…. Our mothers warned us about developing bad habits, and they were right to do so…. There’s nothing mysterious about drug addiction
- AM: Addiction is a complicated behavioral phenomenon
- Page 213: Addiction is a complicated behavioral phenomenon
- AM: If alcohol didn’t make you feel quite so rotten the next day, there might be fewer alcoholics, not more.
- P. 214: If alcohol didn’t make you feel quite so rotten the next day, there might be fewer alcoholics, not more.
And it goes on and on like that. Plagiarism is not protected by the First Amendment even if properly cited!”
Said Jonathan Caulkins, Professor at CMU, and co-author of the book: “AddictionMyth is trying to implicate us in a vast conspiracy to medicalize and legitimize demon possession as ‘drug addiction’ and then foist government sponsored ‘treatment’ on unsuspecting young people, which according to him actually increases crime and mortality all to justify a drinking club’s mischief. Well that is just psychotic paranoid nonsense even if we don’t have any science to prove it! The government is good! I’m certain of that!!”
Added Mark Kleiman, UCLA professor and resident Bloviating Ass: “I’m just an expert on speaking about things I know nothing about. But I once took a class in abnormal psychology, and I would say it’s a clear case of ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’. First they assume your identity and then they steal your thoughts. Which I will admit he does impressively. I actually thought it was her own post. Especially when I got to the part about the donuts. That’s just so Angela! But I hope he does not attempt to emulate her flatulence. For his own sake. And as a matter of public policy.”
Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD, NIH scientist and past victim of AddictionMyth’s ruthless satire added: “Angela, I will gladly produce any scientific result that will support your case against this monster. He destroyed my reputation. I cannot get a latte in this town without enduring muffled snickering all around. Sue his ass off! Do not give up! I’m with you! OK who’s ready for a cocktail!!”
Said Angela Hawken, the alleged victim of the savage impersonation, “I worked really hard on that book. For AddictionMyth to point out its twisted logic and flawed science is just warped and ill-headed. Does he not know that free speech is protected in this country? Maybe he thinks he’s funny, but I didn’t laugh once. Actually I cried. He can’t get away with this! He deserves to be punished! I’m from South Africa, and in my country spouting lies in the name of social justice could earn you a 20 year prison sentence on Robbins Island. You yanks could stand to learn a thing or two from us!”
A university lawyer, who refused to give his name for fear of being made AddictionMyth’s next bitch, added: “Based on his pattern of contact with University employees, we are also preparing charges of harassment, cyberbullying, cyberthreats, criminal threats, terrorist threats, interstate drug trafficking, unwanted contact, inciting desire of sexual contact, corrupting the morals of a bloated female, corrupting the morals of a bloated female with aggravating circumstances (menses), refusal to obey the polite request of a University Official (3 counts), mocking a University Official (7 counts), challenging the Divine Infallibility of a University Official (5 counts), insubordination, hooliganism, public indecency, intentional infliction of emotional distress, intentional infliction of emotional distress with aggravating circumstances (menopause), libel, criminal libel, slander, defamation, defamation with intent, deceitful claiming, consciousness of guilt, and aggravated douche-baggery in the first degree with extreme prejudice. We are working closely with the nurturing leaders at the School of Public Policy to effect successful implementation and real change required to ensure conviction on all counts in the Jurisdictional Fiefdom of Malibu. We have also petitioned funds from the bursar for a one way ticket to Robbins Island, where Angela has agreed to personally supervise an extended program of ‘swift but certain’ discipline on his sorry ass.”
Hawken added: “And he’s a liar and has treatment-resistant scabies.”
AddictionMyth could not be reached for comment. He was later found cowering in a storage bin beneath his trailer, as his cats circled the hideout meowing plaintively, even as he pondered their true motivation.