My So-Called Addiction

If you want to be an expert on addiction you must actually have had one.  Well I’ve been addicted to Ativan for years, but still hasn’t turned me into a drug crazed zombie. When the withdrawals come I just remind myself that I’m experiencing withdrawals and not having a heart attack and put down the phone.  But I need my Ativan.  Couldn’t sleep without them.  I started taking them over 10 years ago for a terrible sleep problem.  The doctor was one of the top sleep specialists in the city (took months just to get an appointment), and he said it was commonly prescribed for sleep disorders like mine.  At the time I still believed in addiction, and I was scared to take them and expressed to him my concern that I would get dependent on them.  He said, “If you think that, you wouldn’t be a good doctor.”  Ouch.

20131012_014414_resizedClockwise from top left: Percocet, meth, Ativan, Vicodin

 

 

 

 

But he was right, and that was the kick I needed.  Once I allowed myself take the recommended dosage, I could sleep again.  He told me he’s had patients on it for over 10 years.  Well, now it’s been 10 years and still I thank God for Ativan.  Sleep is one of life’s great pleasures/necessities that you don’t fully appreciate until it’s taken from you.  Fortunately Ativan is cheap and plentiful.  Never had a hard time scoring.  Sometimes I take a little vacation, just to cleanse the system.   It’s tough but I get through it.  OK, not really that tough, but lots of cursing my sleep disorder (why me, oh God why me??) and lots of coffee.

Ativan is my drug of choice, but hey if I’m to be an addictions expert I have to get a real addiction.  I’ve been enjoying meth for a while now.  It’s a great high and makes me feel smart and sexy.  Sometimes I can get a lot of work done, especially the stuff I’ve been putting off.  It’s like Adderal on steroids.  Also it enhances my performance in other areas, if you know what I mean.  The down can be tough though.  I get depressed and exhausted and stay in bed for hours, especially on weekends, but again I just remind myself that it’s the darn drug.  Also it’s a real time thief.  No blackouts, but it just seems like the days slip away so easily.

But talk about cheap and plentiful.  My buddy made me these cute little pills (the two capsules next to the bag).  No more than a few dollar’s worth in each.  I prefer it over smoking or snorting because it lasts much longer that way.  One pill keeps me going for days.  Though I do miss the ‘burn’ of the snort.  (Smoking is fine but always seemed so trailer trash to me.  Haha I heard someone say that.)

Whereas coke is pricier and the high lasts only a few minutes, at least that’s how it feels.  I enjoyed it the first couple times but now you couldn’t pay me to use it.

Percocets and Vicodins are also nice.  But they are pricey if not from the doc.  How long can you complain about a painful hemorrhoid?  I’ve tried taking a bunch just to see how it feels.  It was fine but honestly I wasn’t really impressed.  You get the warm fuzzies, but beyond that I think they are exaggerating.  I’ve been told that you really need to “cultivate an addiction” to opioids.  It takes work.  Perhaps I’m too lazy.  But I’m glad I have them for the days when the going gets tough.  Recently I had a terrible canker on the tip of my tongue.  Couldn’t eat, and was too uncomfortable to sleep.  So I just popped a pill and all was better.  On the other hand, maybe pain really isn’t that bad.  I’m sure I could handle a canker sober if I really had to.  But why should I?

I hate cigarettes, but e-cigs are super nice.  You can get different flavors.  Mine is watermelon.  They last forever before needing a refill or recharge.  I smoke it mostly in the car.  I recently snapped at my friend for ‘borrowing’ it.  Perhaps I’m starting to get addicted!  Nicotene is supposed to be the hardest drug to withdraw from.

Here’s a neat graph from the Lancet showing the relative strengths and dangers of various drugs: http://download.thelancet.com/images/journalimages/0140-6736/PIIS0140673610614626.gr4.lrg.jpg

Evidently crack is the second worst, but I don’t have any connections.  Please let me know if you have any suggestions.

But as for now I am completely clean and sober and taking it one day at at time. I can say that my life has improved dramatically since I stopped doing drugs. Although my addiction was very tough, I feel that it made me a better person.  Once I admitted I was powerless, I was able to open myself up to something larger than myself, and I’ve become more spiritual. I can now really enjoy even the simple things, like a beautiful sunny day.  The best part is that I don’t ever have to use again.  Ever.

Thanks NA!  You’ve given me a life I don’t deserve! ©

2 thoughts on “My So-Called Addiction”

  1. Wait so you started all this mess because of your hatred of Jews and the fact that you think you understand addiction because of……Ativan?!? Oh, I’m sure the withdrawals were just terrible! I hope you continue to take those painkillers. Try taking 2 everyday and when that doesn’t work go to 4 and work your way to 10 a day. And then I want you to stop. You will then understand addiction not just mental addiction but physical addiction where your body goes spastic. This isn’t an argument of responsibility, but a critique on your idea of addiction being a falsehood. So what if people go to NA or AA. I’d rather them be addicted to a church basement than dead.
    You’re an empty vessel.

  2. What a liar!! In one section here, you claim addiction is a myth and Twelve Step programs kill people. You present no evidence, just your opinions and those of one fringe “doctor.” You say here both that it was a so-called addiction and then an actual addiction, and how thankful you are NA saved your life.
    You are a lying, agitating, troublemaking troll. That is why you cannot get sober, because you cannot discern the truth from your own mentally masturbatory thinking.
    If you have really quit, go back to it until you understand the nature of addiction, then maybe there will be hope for you. And hope that the world will not have to continue to listen to you spewing your narcissistic garbage.

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