After a massive legal battle costing millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours, the government has dropped all charges against AddictionMyth for his wickedly funny parodies of government science and scientists: Cease and Desist and A Conversation with Aaron White, PhD.
As stated by the government: “We’re sorry for the government overreach and sheepishly accept our memberships in the Red Face Club. However we still feel that the interview with Dr. White was insufficiently satirical to be protected. I mean, read it yourself and see if you even crack a smile. I’ve read it a hundred times and still don’t understand the point. Medicalizing demon possession? That’s just crazy. I suspect high functioning Asperger’s. They can get entranced by their own lame attempts at humor, coupled with a penchant for shameless gloating.”
Adds NIH Junior Attorney at Law Dale Berkley, “That AddictionMyth better watch his back. Unless he wants to experience the full faith n’ credit of the US Government on his sorry ass. He thinks he’s funny. Well he’s the only one laughing. He thinks he’s so cool but he’s really just a fool. Plus he’s a coward and a bully. Which I would tell him to his face if not for the restraining order. Which I would have contested if I didn’t oversleep ONLY because I was up all night waiting for him to call me like he PROMISED. He’s such a liar and has treatment-resistant scabies and NEVER returns my calls even when I’m in crisis, and I know he’s not working all the time. I know him. He just watches Benghazi News Channel and eats Pringles. Day and night. He’s a lazy ass cunt. Pardon my French. Sorry I still struggle with the cravings. Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Can last several months, I’m told.”
Thomas McLellan, former Obama Drug Official and acclaimed AA Higher Power added: “I have never seen such deplorable behavior from someone who refused to blame it on drugs or alcohol. I’m a trained psychiatrist so I don’t believe in evil. But wow that AddictionMyth really stretches the bounds of my forbearance. I hope for his sake he’s just in major denial. Not holding my breath.”
Nora Volkow, looking seriously bad-ass in a new leather jacket, added: “If that jerk directs one more satirical post to me or anyone in my office, I’m going to put him on the CDC Biologic Threats list! Next time through airport security he’ll discover cavities he never knew existed!! Then again, he’d probably enjoy that. What a pervert. I really just want to punch him in the face. Which by the way is a perfectly legal response to satire in my cone tree.” In your what? “My cone tree.” Um. Your cone tree? You mean like a pine tree? “No, my CONE TREE! My CONE TREE! MEXICO!”
Dr Aaron White, hapless victim of the merciless satire, sobbed tearlessly: “Boo hoo! Stupid Jew lawyers! Boo hoo!!” The Koobster tried to wipe away his tears but noticed there weren’t any. “It was the weirdest thing. Then I remembered we had removed the tear ducts last year for an experiment. So I just reminded him that we’ll have the last laugh, and we practiced our acceptance speeches. That always cheers him up.” The boys then knocked off early for ‘a few drinks’.
AddictionMyth issued a statement through his attorney: “I am very relieved to be fully vindicated and now I’m looking forward to spending some quality time with my cats. Who at least had the courtesy to act like they missed me, even if only until I fed them.”
AddictionMyth’s lawyer added: “We’re now working on lifting the out-of-state travel restriction so he can take Methistopheles to the Henderson Feline Galorama1. Plus I’m not licensed in that jurisdiction, so it might be a good opportunity to suggest a referral and then change my phone number. Honestly, I didn’t expect them to knuckle under this quickly. I mean, they did make some fair points.”
1 My client assures me this is not a veiled reference to interstate drug trafficking. Though I’m quite sure he doesn’t own any actual cats. I would certainly hope not.
AddictionMyth would like to thank Paul Allen Levy of Public Citizen for his fearless if tepid stand in support of free speech.