The Morning Slayer

Mornings suck without meth.  Caffeine helps but it’s not the same thing.  With meth you just snort a bump and immediately you’re fine.   Then pop a pill, which will kick in after an hour, and you’re good for the next half day.  It obliterates any trace of tiredness or fatigue without making you feel hyper or jittery.  Relaxed, in fact, and you’re ready to take on the world.  It makes you feel like you think you should, like you have every right to feel.  And how everyone else probably feels.  Surely they don’t struggle with fatigue like I do.  Surely they fall asleep soon after their head hits the pillow, and in the morning they hop out of bed with a smile raring to take on their day.  Why am I not entitled to feel the same way as the people I see on TV?

I didn’t mind mornings when I was doing meth.  In fact, I almost looked forward to them.  Meth is the miraculous morning slayer.

But I can’t do it any more.  It was wreaking havoc on my blood pressure.  At my last visit to the doc a few weeks ago, the nurse said my BP was high and asked if I had a headache.  I pride myself on being in good health, so that was a big surprise.  I started to monitor it at home, and it is consistently 140-155 – borderline hypertensive.  The fact was, I got tired just walking up a flight of stairs.   But I didn’t really think much of it.  I had also stopped working out for the last half year.  I assumed the meth simply made me less motivated to exercise for whatever reason, but in fact I now suspect it resulted from the increased exhaustibility caused by the high blood pressure.  I’ve started exercising again, and I can’t run half of what I used to 6 months ago.  I can’t even jog a full mile.

white bumpsSometimes I’d get these little white bumps on the tip of my tongue, and they last for days.  I suspect it’s an opportunistic Herpes outbreak caused by abrasion from compulsively flicking my tongue against my teeth (among other habits of the tweaker).  And yes they really hurt.

I’ve stopped taking meth.  I’m scared my thumper just can’t handle it.  I’m at that age when the people you grew up with have started to keel over from heart malfunctions.  I’ve outlived my grandfather, who died of a heart attack.  I also have high cholesterol.  Well it’s a miracle I’m still alive.

I went to a cardiologist and explained the problem.  They said that my BP wasn’t too bad (they are used to seeing much worse) but that I should watch my salt intake and ‘processed foods’ and resume exercising.  And no adderal (that’s what I called it).

Dear God, what pleasures are left in life?

I am returning next week for a stress echogram to check for any issues.  If everything looks good, and my BP goes down below 130, and I feel healthier, I may resume moderate usage.  Of course, checking my BP carefully in case of any problems.

A friend I hadn’t seen in a while said I had ‘meth face’.  I explained that it was just normal aging: you don’t stay young and beautiful forever, even if you take good care of yourself.  But he said he could tell the difference.  Who knows?  It’s another strike against the miracle drug.  Hopefully the damage isn’t permanent.  (Fingers crossed.)

It’s sad having to return to ‘mere mortal’ status.   With meth you never had to feel tired or fatigued — my constant bane.  Just pop a pill or snort a line.  And you could eat when you wanted.  Now my mind is constantly drifting off to what’s in the fridge.  I’ve already regained 10 pounds.  With meth you didn’t have to worry about eating, drinking, or sleeping.  In fact, you had to remind yourself to do those things!

Honestly, I can probably get by without meth.  But fast food Chinese is a different story (there are many places in my area).  I see the people walking mindlessly in and out.   It’s not fair!  Perhaps I could survive a one-entree combo.  But how is that even a combo?  And what about the egg roll?

Fortunately I can always return to CMA when I need to remind myself that I’m powerless to my addiction.  Of course, I still need to choose a HP and do that fearless moral inventory thing.  But that’s ok it’s a good excuse to indulge every once in a while.  Especially when I’m feeling horny: meth also heightens sexual pleasure even in situations where you ought to be totally disgusted.  Just try your best to remember to use protection.  And if you don’t that’s OK because anything you do under the influence (or while trying to score) is not really your fault: another wonderful perk of our dreaded affliction.  Just remember to add it to your amends list!

Thank you CMA!  You worked when nothing else did (and I tried everything).  I am now happy, joyous, and free.  You’ve given me a life I don’t deserve!

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