OFFICIAL CORRESPONDENCE

The White House Office of National Drug Control Policy (ONDCP) demands the immediate retraction and termination of your irresponsible and dangerous anti-AA propaganda website (‘AddictionMyth’) claiming that all alcoholism and drug addiction is completely fake and all addicts are liars and that AA is a ‘blood cult of mischief’ and a ‘drinking club’ and a ‘sin mortgaging scam’ and brainwashes innocent people to kill themselves.  We have received numerous complaints from the public claiming that people have seen your website and refused life saving treatment, and many of those people have overdosed and died.  You have completely ignored our numerous complaints and now we must take decisive action to shut you down.  

Alcoholism is a deadly brain disease that makes you drink and get drunk and do stupid stuff and then fall asleep.  I know because I suffered from it for years.  This disease has been proven by science, including the widely ridiculed blackout phenomenon, in which people get drunk and then get into fights and have unprotected sex of which they have absolutely no memory until drinking again or being reminded by a friend and then forgetting again such as if being questioned by law enforcement or a spouse.  This has been proven conclusively in mice and has been confirmed by multiple interviews with binge drinking college students.

I would know, I nearly died from this disease!  I had intense cravings to drink and then after the first sip I couldn’t stop until I was snorting meth and then I went up to my room to relax and the next thing I knew my ass was up in the air and some stranger was greasing me up!  Now who in their right mind would do that?  Every day for years???  Obviously it was because of the alcohol and my diseased brain bent on self-destruction and the constant message imposed on us by society and people like you that homosexuals are ‘supposed’ to drink and do drugs and have anonymous unprotected sex.  I tried to stop drinking many times and I tried everything.  Once I even tried mixing my own pee into my beer.  And guess what?  When I woke up the next day it was all gone!  If that doesn’t prove the ‘cunning and baffling’ nature of our disease then I don’t know what does!

You keep telling alcoholics to “have a drink, it won’t kill you.”  Well guess what, it will kill you!  Everyone knows that the alcoholic must remain abstinent for life.  We have a chronic, relapsing brain disease.  The delusion that we are like other people must be smashed!  In fact we have proof of people relapsing right after viewing your website and then having a drink and then running around like chickens with their heads cut off looking for whiskey and fat chicks and then spontaneously exploding!  You are trying to talk about something you know absolutely NOTHING about.  Nor could you ever understand the plight of the still suffering alcoholic!  We consider you to be a menace to public health and a greater threat to the US population than Islamic extremism.  And I’m not just talking about your treatment resistant scabies, which everyone knows you have, so please stop denying it.  I’m talking about your web site and if you don’t shut it down immediately I assure you that we will start a campaign of ‘shock and awe’ that will make our recent attack on ISIS look like child’s play!

I have dedicated my life to eradicating this infernal scourge, and I have proudly overseen the establishment of many ‘recovery high schools’ across the country that teach children that their brains are defective and bent on self-destruction and they must be eternally vigilant against their own deadly urges that will arise when they least expect it and must attend AA for the rest of their lives.  As vindication of this policy, many of these children have survived into adulthood.  Here’s me explaining it to the kids for the umpteenth time:

 

I really feel sorry for you.  You are clearly ignorant and hateful and arrogant and a narcissist. It is insane for you to challenge proven 12 Step doctrine and I can’t even believe the fellowship hasn’t taken care of you already.  You’ve made some very powerful enemies including the government which you accuse of colluding with AA in a grand conspiracy to indoctrinate the public into ‘demon possession’ to supply ‘new blood’ for the ‘cult’ to ‘abuse, exploit and kill’.  You even accused eminent government scientists of being elite ‘New World Order’ Illuminati and plotting to use ‘mass addiction’ to usher in a dystopian future like in the Hunger Games.  You have been diagnosed by our forensic team as a ‘florid’ psychotic paranoid anti-government propagandist conspiracy theorist with threat level ‘teal’ (the highest granted so far for a blog, congratulations!).

What you don’t understand about drug addicts is that if these kids are not at AA meetings they would be on the street committing crimes and joining militant islamic groups.  Or like me they would be drunk driving home from random hookups that they prefer not to remember all the details of.  Do you have no conscience??  At AA meetings they can learn to commune with a ‘god of their understanding’.  And yes it can be Satan.  So what?  We are spiritual NOT religious so as long as it helps you stop drinking then fine!  You are incredibly intolerant and closed minded and you remind me of the ‘Church Lady’ on SNL screaming “Satan! Satan! Satan!”  My Higher Power was a door knob for several months.  Maybe my ‘understanding’ left something to be desired when I started at AA, but it really helped ‘open doors’ for me lol!

I since progressed to greater understanding with the help of Oprah to control my weight and former Drug Czar Thomas McLellan to get over my crush on the intern down the hall.  They removed the ‘character defects’ that caused the resentments that powered the cravings that made me drink that made me sin, and I only relapsed 6 times (not 7 as you slanderously claim), and either way that is a lot better than most of the guys in my home group, let me tell you!!!  I now experience ‘serenity’ and a sense of awe daily that I never experienced when I drank and I am now happy, joyous, and free™!  If not for AA, these young people would suffer the proven fate of all alcoholics: jails, institutions and death™.  You keep calling it ‘brainwashing’.  Well let me tell you, our minds were dirty!  They needed a good washing!!  If these kids read your web site and decide not to attend AA, then apart from violating their probation, you are also sentencing them to HELL!

And your only sad response is that sentencing people to abstinence ‘sounds more like an islamic caliphate’.  After we’re done with you, you’ll be begging us to hand you over to ISIL!

AA works and it’s the only thing that ever worked.  It saved my life and millions of others and I have seen friends die from it sometimes right after attending meetings.  Of course you will say that’s a ‘big lie’ and that AA members use the strategy of “Lie and deny, then change the subject”.  Well I never said they were close friends who I knew personally and anyway I can assure you that addiction has been proven to be a brain disease in which the brain lights up like a pinball machine and is rewired and this messes up the reward center.  Of course that’s too complicated for your puny drug addled brain to comprehend.  You keep insisting that the science is ‘completely bogus’ and AA actually creates dangerous addictions because its members must admit powerlessness to ‘inert substances’.  Well alcohol is not inert.  It has demons in it.  Why do you think they call it ‘spirits’??!!

Government scientists have proven conclusively that the earlier a child uses alcohol and drugs, the more likely they are to become addicts.  Everyone knows that correlation implies causation.  This is a fundamental principle of science.  Did you miss class that day?? Children cannot be trusted with substances that have the power to possess their very souls.  We must enforce complete abstinence until they graduate from college and until then parents must force their children into treatment immediately upon even a hint of alcohol or drug use or if they socialize with anyone suspected of that.

Today many children succumb to lethal addictions because of the lax attitudes of people like you.  Fortunately there is AA, and I have sponsored many young people in it.  I help them discover the splendid pantheon of gods that AA makes available.  You should see how their young faces light up when I describe the wonders of Toto and Vishnu!  Of course you call it ‘modern day exorcism’  and allege that sponsors abuse and exploit newcomers or tell them to ‘go out and keep drinking’ until they are sure they really are alcoholic.  Well let me tell you that while that happens (there are crooks, cons and creeps everywhere) most of my sponsees are still alive and I teach personal responsibility to those willing to admit utter powerlessness to the demon juice and confess their sins and insecurities to me with ‘rigorous honesty’, assuming of course they choose the right god(s) and don’t die in the mean time, like those stupid liars Robin Williams and Philip Seymour Hoffman and Corey Monteith all of whom had just attended AA right before they died.  Well I’m sure you have some crazy conspiracy theory about that one too.

Obviously you were butt-raped in AA and I’m sorry about that but you really need to look at your role in it.  I bet you didn’t keep your side of the street clean and you are obviously constitutionally incapable of being honest and you no doubt left 5 minutes before the miracle was about to happen.  Well that’s your own fault.  Don’t blame AA.  Never have I seen someone fail who thoroughly followed my path.   Your pride and ignorance are truly monumental.  I don’t think there is a Higher Power in the universe who could help you.  Well it’s true what they say, some are sicker than others.  We have proof of your hypocrisy: In a 2009 online sex ad you described yourself as ‘9″ of mostly top’.  Well everyone here at the office got a good laugh about that one!!!

You may not publish this correspondence under Patriot Act Section 114.23(c), under threat of severe criminal sanctions and an exposé on your own shameful history, so don’t even THINK about posting it on your web site.   Here’s my advice to you: there is nothing you can do about it, so just STFU and forget about it.  You are POWERLESS to the Drug Czar!  And you can forget about hiring a lawyer.  All the free speech lawyers in this country despise you and would sooner kill themselves than defend you.  Plus most lawyers attend AA and hate you anyway.

You are obviously an addict in denial.  I see your type all the time, the prideful choad who is ‘too smart’ for his own good.  You will end up in AA eventually.  Don’t worry, we’ll be saving a seat for your sorry ass.

xox Mikey B, Alcoholic

P.S.  Are you really 9″?  Maybe we can work something out.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/ondcp