I had a beer and then another one.  Then I decided to have a snort of meth.  And then I went up to my room to lie down and relax.  But somehow I ended up on the computer, and someone messaged me and told me to turn off the lights and grease myself up.  And leave the front door open.  In my inebriated state I followed their directions.

OK, so what’s the problem?

What’s the problem?  The problem is that I had unprotected sex with a total stranger!  That’s disgusting not to mention very risky!

They didn’t use a condom?

I don’t know.  I left one out, but the package was unopened after they left.  I doubt it.

Well why didn’t you check?  Why didn’t you ask?

Because I was drunk!  I was high on meth!  I wasn’t in the state of mind to be asking name rank and serial number.  I barely remember the situation.  I feel horrible about it.

Well then if taking meth is so dangerous, maybe you shouldn’t do it.

I know I shouldn’t do it.  I didn’t intend to do it.  It just happened.  I promised myself I wouldn’t do it again.  I’m not addicted to it.  It’s not like I go around craving it all the time.  But when I get drunk, it just happens.

Why did you get drunk?

Well I didn’t intend to get drunk.  I just wanted to have a drink.  As is the right of any man when he gets home from work.  To help me relax.  Just one drink.  Maybe two.  Not a big deal.

Then what happened?

Well then I guess I had a few more than I intended.  I find that when I start drinking sometimes I can’t seem to stop.

Why can’t you stop?

I think it’s an allergy.  That’s what they explained at AA.  As soon as you get the taste of alcohol on your tongue, your body responds with an allergic craving.  That’s why you often crave what you’re allergic to.  It’s a well known medical fact.

Oh, I wasn’t familiar with that.  But you know, the Big Book was written 80 years ago.  Perhaps some of the medical facts are out of date.

Perhaps.  But AA definitely works.  Just go to a meeting and see for yourself.  It’s a roomful of guys who had addictions so severe that some of them almost died, and now they help other guys like me understand and overcome their addictions.  They have attained power over their cravings.  The exact medical process doesn’t matter to me.

OK then,  Why did you have the first drink, knowing that it could inflame an allergy that triggered cravings that would lead to unsafe sex?

Well I certainly didn’t think it would lead to unsafe sex!  Anyway like I just said, that is my right as a man, to have a drink.  Is it not?  Besides, I wanted to try out a new strategy: I kept only 2 beers in the fridge and the rest in the basement.  I figured I wouldn’t want warm beer.  After all, who likes warm beer?

No one likes warm beer.  Then what happened?

Well, I’m not sure exactly.  But I had more than 2 empty cans the next day.  I don’t think that strategy worked.

What else have you tried?

My sponsor suggested ‘near beer’, since that works really well for some people.  But that didn’t seem to trigger the allergy.

So that was a success?

Yes, that worked great.  Then I thought, the problem must be solved, so I discussed it with my sponsor, and he suggested that I try ‘controlled drinking’ with regular beer just to make sure.  And I was actually fine for a while, so I figured everything was fine.

Then what happened?

Well, then suddenly one day the same thing happened.  Though this time I woke up naked at the bathhouse.  Several used condoms around me.

Well that’s good, right?  I mean at least they used condoms.

Well not really.  After going to the bathroom it was obvious that some of them didn’t.

OK sorry to hear that.  I hope you’re ok.  So you went back to near beer?

No, I already tried that, like I said.  I wanted to try some other things.  I tried hiding the beer in the closet, thinking that I would forget where I put it when I was drunk.  That didn’t work.  I tried burying it in the backyard.  I tried pouring it into a bucket and mixing it with my own pee.  But still no matter what – when I woke up the next day, it was gone.  NOTHING seemed to work and I tried EVERYTHING.

Well have you tried having sex without getting drunk?

Yes of course.  My girlfriend and I perform sex on a regular basis.  Why do you ask?

Ah, I see.  Well then perhaps you should recognize that you simply cannot drink like a normal man.  Don’t buy beer, and don’t drink it when you go out.  That way you won’t drink too much.

Ah.  Right.  I should just avoid beer entirely.  Perhaps I should try whiskey.

 

Read more:

• Powerlessness as Religion – Only the good die young
• You Are So Brainwashed It’s Funny – Who will pay for their sins?
• The Problem of the Jews: a Lesson in Brainwashing Propaganda – How AA bamboozled a country
• The Drinking Club – Watch what they do, not what they say
• I Call Blackout – I did what??
• Rat Addicts and the Science Of Addiction – The best of 60’s Science Fiction
• A Conversation with Dr. Drew Pinsky – 13% and proud
• School for Scoundrels – What you actually learn in the rooms

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