There is no cure for addiction, but we have a program that will help you manage it: first you must turn your will to God as you understand him. Don’t worry it’s not a religious program. If you are Christian then your god can be Jesus, and if you are another religion then you may choose the god(s) of that religion. If you are not religious at all, then you may choose Science, or “Good Orderly Direction”, or even AA itself: “Group of Drunks”! Continue reading Oh My Gods
Category Archives: > Main Blog
Here’s a list of the main blog entries.
Lie Like the Wind
So you want to attend AA but not sure if you’re really an alcoholic? That’s ok. You don’t have to know for sure. All you have to do is lie. That’s what everyone else does. Confess your powerlessness. Say that you want to stop drinking but can’t. No matter how hard you tried. Who knows what that even means? Maybe it’s really true. Embrace your alcoholism. Wear it like a badge. Re-evaluate your entire life in this new context.
AddictionMyth Acquitted on All Charges!
After a massive legal battle costing millions of dollars and thousands of man-hours, the government has dropped all charges against AddictionMyth for his wickedly funny parodies of government science and scientists: Cease and Desist and A Conversation with Aaron White, PhD.
Undiagnosed Alcoholic?
Age 19
I wasn’t an alcoholic, but drinking alcohol always helped me with being more confident and sociable.
Age 20
The envy, rage, and feeling of inferiority I felt almost made me explode with rage right there at the party, but instead I went to the bathroom and vented to myself in the mirror of how much I hate Vincent and wanted to kill him. I drank a lot more wine that night, pouring myself glass after glass. By the time Vincent arrived after his party at Leo’s, I greeted him with drunken contempt, and drank even more wine. I drank too much. When I got home, I began to cry because of all the emotions I experienced that night. Continue reading Undiagnosed Alcoholic?
Making Amends
From: Dale Berkley, Attorney at Law, NIH
Subject: Cease and Desist (retraction)
Dear AddictionMyth,
This whole satire thing has become tiresome. So I would like to be completely serious for a moment. I hereby retract my “Cease and Desist” letter regarding your satirical posts on our NIH Scientists. It was blatantly unconstitutional and a chilling infringement on your First Amendment rights. I blush just to think about it. You would think I’d know better, as a Senior Attorney at a prestigious government institution. But here’s the problem. You see, I am an alcoholic. Continue reading Making Amends
Red Face Club
AddictionMyth is excited to announce the inauguration of the Red Face Club1. This is the club that you join when you feel your cheeks reddening and burning because one day you let your mouth get ahead of your brain and then just when your brain catches up you suddenly realize that google has already indexed and archived your words for all eternity, and curse the fact that you live in America which really should be more like Europe. Continue reading Red Face Club
Cease and Desist!
From: George Koob, Ph.D., Director, NIAAA, a Division of NIH
Subject: Cease and Desist
Date: May 7, 2014
Dear Mr “Addiction Myth”,
NIAAA (a division of NIH) demands the immediate retraction of the false, misleading, libelous, slanderous, and dangerous article entitled “A Conversation with Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD”. The ‘interview’ is a sham and both your original questions and the answers kindly provided by Dr White were modified to make him appear ridiculous and disparage the Science of Addiction. I can assure you he is an accredited scientist and it is a legitimate field of medicine and Nora Volkow is brilliant and may win the Nobel Prize one day for curing Addiction. So what if she sometimes practices her acceptance speech at work? That is none of your business.
How to Drink Like a Normal Man
I had a beer and then another one. Then I decided to have a snort of meth. And then I went up to my room to lie down and relax. But somehow I ended up on the computer, and someone messaged me and told me to turn off the lights and grease myself up. And leave the front door open. In my inebriated state I followed their directions.
Welcome to the Club: How to Cure a Heroin Addiction
“I had an intense craving for heroin that lasted for days and wouldn’t go away. So I got my hands on some. Then I took it, and it wasn’t enough. So I took more, but that still wasn’t enough. So I kept taking it until I was unconscious. Then when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, and I felt bad because I was withdrawing, so I took more. Then I kept repeating the cycle.” Continue reading Welcome to the Club: How to Cure a Heroin Addiction
Who Wants to Win a Nobel Prize?
It’s getting harder and harder these days to discover a cure for a deadly disease that’s worthy of the Nobel Prize. All the ‘easy’ ones, like polio and measles, have already been taken, and all that’s left are the thorny ones, like cancer, heart disease, and AIDS. But there’s still a juicy one ripe for the pickins: Addiction. If you can find a cure for that, then you might as well start writing your acceptance speech. I mean, if you can cure addiction, you’ll save millions of lives and rid the world the world of the scourge of drugs. Yes people may still do drugs, but they won’t destroy their own lives with them. They’ll do them for a time and have fun and move on. Or not, but at least they’ll have to admit it’s a choice not a disease. Continue reading Who Wants to Win a Nobel Prize?
A Conversation with Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD
Aaron White, PhD is a prominent Addictions Expert and Program Director at NIAAA, a division of the prestigious NIH. Dr White is most famous for discovering some fascinating parallels between inebriated rats and alcoholics that explain the heretofore poorly understood phenomenon known as the ‘blackout’. For example, he showed that a drunken rat’s inability to remember its location in a maze explains why the alcoholic will have absolutely no memory of smashing a chair over someone’s head in a bar fight until he is reminded of it or gets drunk again. Also, the intoxicated rat’s disinterest in cheese residue corresponds to the addict’s tendency to ignore otherwise obvious signs of STDs in sexual partners.
AddictionMyth recently sat down with Dr White via email to discuss his fascinating research and the exciting promise it holds for the treatment of alcoholism, the degenerative disease whose symptoms include unintentional naughty behavior and amnesia of that same behavior sometimes accompanied by close brushes with imminent death; and whose only known cure requires the humbling (if liberating) public admission that you have it.
AddictionMyth: You discovered some fascinating connections between rats and alcoholics. They are more alike then anyone previously thought. Did you also find that rats continued to crave alcohol even after the experiment was over? What happened when you restored them to a natural environment? Did they continue to demand access to their drug of choice, and use it compulsively until death?
Continue reading A Conversation with Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD
Powerlessness as Religion
Addiction is neither a disease nor a moral failing. It is a religion whose followers idolize drugs and alcohol in their youth, and then (typically in middle age when they’ve gotten too old for those games) decide to pursue the virtues of ‘peace and serenity’. It is a spiritual journey akin to the Buddhist practice of identifying ‘cravings’ and then renouncing or denying them through a process of enlightenment. Thus AA maintains a kinship with Eastern philosophies and practices, such as Buddhism and yoga.