AA is the only thing that ever worked for me

I was raised in a dysfunctional family of alcoholics and psychopaths. I learned early on how to use booze to get my way. It’s easy. Whenever you’re stuck in a bad situation, just drink and keep drinking until someone takes pity on you and lets you go. Daddy did that all the time.

I married much too young. She was no beauty but I figured she was the best I could do. Soon enough I got her pregnant and we had a daughter. I started to get that desperate feeling in the pit of my stomach. I was trapped and I didn’t know any way out. I was watching the wife getting older before my eyes. I was too young to be celibate. Yes I could just leave but then I would be the ‘bad guy’. I hatched a plan: I would become such an obnoxious drunk that my wife would leave me. Then I would be the innocent victim of a disease and she’d be the cruel one who broke her vows. Then I’d be free to do whatever I wanted!

Right after our daughter was born, my brother called me. He is schizo and depressed. I was busy with my daughter and didn’t want to help him. Plus my wife yelled at me for something, as usual. So I didn’t help him. In a few days, he was found dead in the bathtub, overdose on haldol. No big deal, since I was never really close to the guy. But I didn’t let my wife know that. Instead I blamed his death on her, and it gave form to my growing resentment. Now I had a great excuse to treat her with contempt.

Thus began a long career of drinking and carousing. I don’t recall actually having sex outside the marriage, however. My drinking was so severe that I really couldn’t get into those situations. Or at least, I could not recall them because of the repeated blackouts. (And you’d want to claim ‘blackout’ too if you saw some of those chicks.) Finally, finally. My wife called and told me that she wanted custody of the kid. Great news!  I was free!! Of course, I stopped drinking almost immediately. Yes the DTs were tough, but alleviated by the relief I felt from the lifting of this unfair burden.

I went to AA (for the umpteenth time) and discovered that it was the alcohol pouring itself down my throat that caused me to resent my wife and child and drunk drive and cheat on her, along with lots of other shenanigens. Now I am free of my wife, although we are friends now believe it or not. She actually bought this AA thing!

Now I can offer this solution to other men who don’t want to take responsibility for their lives. Yes, I embellish things like saying my brother died of alcoholism, but hey it was 30 years ago so I can’t be expected to remember all the details. But it definitely helps to magnify the power of alcohol.

So for all you desperate men out there, I have a wonderful message for you. You can continue to cheat on your wife and neglect your children. Just open a tab at your local liquor store and start drinking! Your wife will eventually leave you. And then you’ll be free! Then, by late-middle age, when sexing has become traumatic, you can return to AA and say that you finally “get it” and become a sanctimonious hypocrite like me. Just “find god” and “seek forgiveness”, and pass on the beautiful word to other desperate men.

AA worked great for me, and it can work for you too — if you work it!

2 thoughts on “AA is the only thing that ever worked for me”

  1. This one is probably the best, because it cuts way closer to the bone than anyone wants to really admit. There’s just too much machinery relying on the lie.

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