And the Lesson Today is HOW TO DIE!

Simon Astaire has his personal imprint on many high profile calamities.

Elliot Rodger and his six victims

Astaire is the family’s close personal adviser and main link to the outside world.  “How many people are asking what could have led this young man to take the lives of 6 innocent people and injure 13 others.  So yesterday I spoke with close family friend and author Simon Astaire who knew Elliot Rodger since he was a little boy and witnessed his parents’ struggle to raise him first hand.”

Peaches Geldof

Astaire likely connected her father Bob with Peter Rodger for the movie Oh My God, and may have orchestrated young Peaches’ first marriage at age 19 with Max Drummey.  Like Darren Aronofsky (husband/boyfriend of his longtime client Rachel Weisz), Drummey was a social anthropology major from Harvard with a sophomoric fascination for the occult (expressed in his music Chester French, best known for an inexplicable flurry of press hype in 2008 before falling into obscurity).  Peaches had recently illegally exposed participants in a high profile pedophile ring, and died with an OTO/AA tatoo on her arm.

(Peaches’ mother Paula Yates died of a heroin overdose, and her boyfriend Michael Hutchence, lead singer of INXS, died in mysterious circumstances, for which Yates blamed Bob, creator of the timeless ode to school shootings I Don’t Like Mondays.)

Mikhail Kravchenko

The Russian furniture magnate evidently made the fatal mistake of being seen holding hands with Princess Michael of Kent, wife of Prince Michael of Kent, head of Freemasonry and Astaire’s client.  He was the victim of an apparent contract killing at his home in Russia.  Says Astaire in the Daily Beast: “Prince and Princess Michael of Kent are very distressed to hear of this tragedy.”

Michael Jackson

Here is Simon predicting the demise of the King of Pop.  “I could easily be here in a few weeks’ time when he might have done something to himself.”

Paris Hilton

Reciting from his playbook, Astaire cynically suggests that Paris get involved in charity to clean up her image:

Simon Astaire’s fiction

In Private Privilege, the semi-autobiographical account of Simon’s school years, his first year roommate kills himself and he is granted ‘private privilege’ in his second year by the administration — a room all to himself.  In And You Are…? his brother dies of a heroin addiction.  Mr Coles is about an alcoholic teacher’s systematic grooming of a young man entrusted to his care, and abounds with death and destruction.  The Last Photograph is about a father dealing with his son’s death in the Lockerbie bombing (whose text is framed by the work of Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran). [Editors note: Mr Coles is a work of genius.  We eagerly anticipate the movie.]

AddictionMyth

Died a horribly painful death from Ebola.  Said Astaire: “We regret his untimely passing but what would you expect from a guy deeply involved in an African pedophile ring?  After all, the disease is spread by bodily secretions.”

Read more:

Did you like this article?  Please Like/Share:

Pepperdine U Sues AddictionMyth’s Ass Off!

Pepperdine University today filed papers to “sue the ass off” AddictionMyth for “all he’s worth” for impersonating and plagiarizing Public Policy Assistant Professor Angela Hawken.  Said Pepperdine President Andrew K. Benton, “That despicable troll committed the crimes of Impersonating a Revered University Official and then Plagiarizing Sacred Academic Texts when he copied her research wholesale and passed it off as her own.  I mean, I believe in academic freedom.  But crediting ideas to their rightful owner?  That’s just outrageous!” Continue reading

A Conversation with Drug Policy Expert Angela Hawken

Angela Hawken is a professor at Pepperdine U and a drug policy expert.  She is author of the book Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know.  AddictionMyth recently sat down with the raging loon for an intimate conversation by email:

Angela Hawken:  You have a blog post “written” by me.  Except that I did not write it.  I want it removed from your site or attributed to the correct author.

AddictionMyth:  Of course.  Please make a complete list of your demands so that I need make only one trip to the trash can.

AH:  I never wrote the words you attribute to me on your website.  I find it offensive that someone would post something under my name that I did not author.  Please let me know if you plan to remove the post.  If not, I will have to refer the case to the university lawyers.

AM:  Just try it.  I’ll have my Jews on you so fast you’ll think you’re an Asian girl!

 

 

ang

Angela Hawken Explains Addiction

My book Drugs and Drug Policy: What Everyone Needs to Know was actually written by three people: me and Mark Kleiman (UCLA) and Jonathan Caulkins (CMU).  Inevitably there were some discrepancies and inconsistencies in our positions, and this caught the attention of some our more pedantic readers.  So I would like to take some time to clarify them.  I hope to get us all on the ‘same page’ so to speak.  Better late than never, right?  Continue reading

Oh My Gods

There is no cure for addiction, but we have a program that will help you manage it: first you must turn your will to God as you understand him.  Don’t worry it’s not a religious program.  If you are Christian then your god can be Jesus, and if you are another religion then you may choose the god(s) of that religion.  If you are not religious at all, then you may choose Science, or “Good Orderly Direction”, or even AA itself: “Group of Drunks”!   Continue reading

Lie Like the Wind

So you want to attend AA but not sure if you’re really an alcoholic? That’s ok.  You don’t have to know for sure.  All you have to do is lie. That’s what everyone else does.  Confess your powerlessness. Say that you want to stop drinking but can’t.  No matter how hard you tried. Who knows what that even means?  Maybe it’s really true.  Embrace your alcoholism.  Wear it like a badge.  Re-evaluate your entire life in this new context.

Continue reading

Undiagnosed Alcoholic?

Age 19

I wasn’t an alcoholic, but drinking alcohol always helped me with being more confident and sociable.

Age 20

The envy, rage, and feeling of inferiority I felt almost made me explode with rage right there at the party, but instead I went to the bathroom and vented to myself in the mirror of how much I hate Vincent and wanted to kill him. I drank a lot more wine that night, pouring myself glass after glass. By the time Vincent arrived after his party at Leo’s, I greeted him with drunken contempt, and drank even more wine. I drank too much.  When I got home, I began to cry because of all the emotions I experienced that night. Continue reading

Making Amends

From: Dale Berkley, Attorney at Law, NIH
Subject: Cease and Desist (retraction)

Dear AddictionMyth,

This whole satire thing has become tiresome.  So I would like to be completely serious for a moment.  I hereby retract my “Cease and Desist” letter regarding your satirical posts on our NIH Scientists.  It was blatantly unconstitutional and a chilling infringement on your First Amendment rights.  I blush just to think about it.  You would think I’d know better, as a Senior Attorney at a prestigious government institution.  But here’s the problem.  You see, I am an alcoholic.   Continue reading

Red Face Club

AddictionMyth is excited to announce the inauguration of the Red Face Club1.  This is the club that you join when you feel your cheeks reddening and burning because one day you let your mouth get ahead of your brain and then just when your brain catches up you suddenly realize that google has already indexed and archived your words for all eternity, and curse the fact that you live in America which really should be more like Europe. Continue reading

Cease and Desist!

From: George Koob, Ph.D., Director, NIAAA, a Division of NIH
Subject: Cease and Desist
Date: May 7, 2014

Dear Mr “Addiction Myth”,

NIAAA (a division of NIH) demands the immediate retraction of the false, misleading, libelous, slanderous, and dangerous article entitled “A Conversation with Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD”.  The ‘interview’ is a sham and both your original questions and the answers kindly provided by Dr White were modified to make him appear ridiculous and disparage the Science of Addiction.  I can assure you he is an accredited scientist and it is a legitimate field of medicine and Nora Volkow is brilliant and may win the Nobel Prize one day for curing Addiction.  So what if she sometimes practices her acceptance speech at work?  That is none of your business.

Continue reading

Welcome to the Club: How to Cure a Heroin Addiction

“I had an intense craving for heroin that lasted for days and wouldn’t go away.  So I got my hands on some.  Then I took it, and it wasn’t enough.  So I took more, but that still wasn’t enough.  So I kept taking it until I was unconscious.  Then when I woke up feeling sick to my stomach, and I felt bad because I was withdrawing, so I took more.  Then I kept repeating the cycle.” Continue reading

Who Wants to Win a Nobel Prize?

It’s getting harder and harder these days to discover a cure for a deadly disease that’s worthy of the Nobel Prize.  All the ‘easy’ ones, like polio and measles, have already been taken, and all that’s left are the thorny ones, like cancer, heart disease, and AIDS.  But there’s still a juicy one ripe for the pickins: Addiction.  If you can find a cure for that, then you might as well start writing your acceptance speech.  I mean, if you can cure addiction, you’ll save millions of lives and rid the world the world of the scourge of drugs.  Yes people may still do drugs, but they won’t destroy their own lives with them.  They’ll do them for a time and have fun and move on.  Or not, but at least they’ll have to admit it’s a choice not a disease. Continue reading

A Conversation with Addiction Guru Aaron White, PhD

Aaron White, PhD is a prominent Addictions Expert and Program Director at NIAAA, a division of the prestigious NIH.  Dr White is most famous for discovering some fascinating parallels between inebriated rats and alcoholics that explain the heretofore poorly understood phenomenon known as the ‘blackout’.  For example, he showed that a drunken rat’s inability to remember its location in a maze explains why the alcoholic will have absolutely no memory of smashing a chair over someone’s head in a bar fight until he is reminded of it or gets drunk again.  Also, the intoxicated rat’s disinterest in cheese residue corresponds to the addict’s tendency to ignore otherwise obvious signs of STDs in sexual partners.

AddictionMyth recently sat down with Dr White via email to discuss his fascinating research and the exciting promise it holds for the treatment of alcoholism, the degenerative disease whose symptoms include unintentional naughty behavior and amnesia of that same behavior sometimes accompanied by close brushes with imminent death; and whose only known cure requires the humbling (if liberating) public admission that you have it.

AddictionMyth: You discovered some fascinating connections between rats and alcoholics.  They are more alike then anyone previously thought.  Did you also find that rats continued to crave alcohol even after the experiment was over?  What happened when you restored them to a natural environment?  Did they continue to demand access to their drug of choice, and use it compulsively until death?

Continue reading

Powerlessness as Religion

Addiction is neither a disease nor a moral failing.  It is a religion whose followers idolize drugs and alcohol in their youth, and then (typically in middle age when they’ve gotten too old for those games) decide to pursue the virtues of ‘peace and serenity’.  It is a spiritual journey akin to the Buddhist practice of identifying ‘cravings’ and then renouncing or denying them through a process of enlightenment.  Thus AA maintains a kinship with Eastern philosophies and practices, such as Buddhism and yoga.

Continue reading